March Marvel Madness: FANTASTIC FOUR (2005)

Greetings, True Believers! Welcome to March Marvel Madness! Every day this month, I'll be looking back on a theatrically-released movie based on the characters of Marvel Comics. It's all to commemorate the April 4th release of the next Marvel film adventure, Captain America: The Winter Soldier.

Marvel's first family finally flies onto film, and then fall flat on their faces. Fuck.

That's right, today we're looking at...

Based on the comic book by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby, Fantastic Four co-stars Ioan Gruffudd, Michael Chiklis, Chris Evans, and (ugh) Jessica Alba as astronauts who go up into space for a little science experiment, get hit by some cosmic cloud, and come back to Earth with superpowers. The rest of the movie finds the group dealing with powers, celebrity, and each other. At the same time, an old college rival who was on that same mission is adjusting to his newfound powers in an even less healthy fashion. By the end, there's a big showdown between the four mass-market ready superheroes and the big baddie.

Not as detailed a synopsis like in previous entries? Well, that's pretty much all you get in Fantastic Four, and that is shameful. The Fantastic Four was the comic book that made Marvel as we know it. It redefined what a superhero comic could look like, but also what superheroes could be. Heroes that could be relatable. People with super powers yet still have human problems. Without it, there would be no Hulk, no Spider-Man, no X-Men, and no Iron Man. The Fantastic Four should have been the first in line to get their own picture (more on that at another time), but even if not, they still deserve better treatment than what 20th Century Fox gave us in 2005.

Fox didn't make a superhero film with Fantastic Four, they made a product. It practically follows other recent Marvel movies beat-for-beat: from introduction, to transformation, through hero's journey, and finally big, explod-y finale. It's so cookie-cutter, you could almost guess what happens next as you are watching it. It's also a generic-looking movie. There's no real sense of style or personality. The only thing that breaks the monotony is the really bad Mr. Fantastic CGI. However, more egregious is how it tries hard to be cool: Johnny Storm is into extreme sports, there's mainstream rock music, and it goes for the laziest of humor. Also, they hired Jessica Alba. She wasn't cast to portray Sue Storm, she was cast because she was "hot".

The only things I actually got a kick out of while watching in this movie are Chris Evans as Human Torch, Michael Chiklis as The Thing (despite the crummy make-up), and the two of them together. Evans did a great job at making Johnny Storm a likeable guy despite his over-inflated ego. Bruce Willis was probably not available, or wisely said no, but Chiklis still perfectly captures The Thing's gruff but good-natured spirit. Not only do these two resemble their comic book counterparts in performance, but their interplay is gold.

Watching the film now, it's clear at this point in time the superhero genre was in trouble of already looking old. Fantastic Four, despite being based on a groundbreaking comic book, did absolutely nothing to redefine superheroes on film. Fox had a formula and they were going to stick with it no matter what. It's ironic, then, that Pixar released The Incredibles a few months earlier. That turned out to be a better Fantastic Four than Fantastic Four.

Fantastic Four
2 out of 5 Cap shields

March Marvel Madness: ELEKTRA

Greetings, True Believers! Welcome to March Marvel Madness! Every day this month, I'll be looking back on a theatrically-released movie based on the characters of Marvel Comics. It's all to commemorate the April 4th release of the next Marvel film adventure, Captain America: The Winter Soldier.

Today, we look back on the reason Marvel is stand-offish about doing a Black Widow solo movie...

Jennifer Garner returns as Elektra, the warrior woman from 2003's Daredevil. After being resurrected and trained by an old blind man (for reasons never explained), Elektra moonlights as an assassin until she's asked to take out a father and daughter (Gordon Visnjic and Kristen Prout, respectively) whom she got to know while waiting for her assignment. Elektra not only refuses, but she risks her life to protect them from a ruthless organization of mystical ninjas known as The Hand.

Because I thought Jennifer Garner was grossly miscast as Elektra in Daredevil, I blew this movie off when it came out in February of 2005. Now that I have finally seen it nine years later, I can honestly say that, wow, 20th Century Fox really went out of their way to make this work. That was sarcasm.

First off, Elektra is so unimaginative. You've got the assassin-with-a-heart who now has to protect the person they're supposed to knock off, the smart-ass second banana, something someone's not telling, the forced romance, the stock character villians, the "you killed my mother/father" bullshit... It's cliche after cliche.

Second, Elektra is cheap. Her red outfit looks cheap. The effects are cheap. The production design is bland. The score (by TV's Buffy composer, Christophe Beck) is boring. Also, the movie was shot in Vancouver. How do I know that? Every location in Elektra looks like Vancouver. The blind man's training camp: is it supposed to be Japan? Guess what; it looks like Vancouver. The vacation houses on the island? Looks like Vancouver. The Hand's HQ? Tokyo? No, it's probably a building in downtown Vancouver with Japanese architecture CGI'd on top of it. Credit Elektra's shortcomings to director Rob Bowman, who's best known for his work on the television series, The X-Files (Guess where that was shot?... Bingo!). Elektra resembles more of a TV pilot than a theatrical feature.

It's a shame, really. Elektra did have one thing going for it, and that was a very "girl power" vibe that surfaces halfway through the picture. It's too bad that it's only an inadvertent motif, and not a conscious choice by the filmmakers. This picture would have faced an uphill battle anyways because of the mixed response to Daredevil, but with a tired story and cut-rate production values Fox never gave Elektra a real chance to be a winner. It's proof that Hollywood execs think superhero pictures are for boys only. And I'm sure they'll point to Elektra's box-office failure as an excuse to not change that.

Elektra
1 1/2 out of 5 Cap shields

March Marvel Madness: BLADE: TRINITY

Greetings, True Believers! Welcome to March Marvel Madness! Every day this month, I'll be looking back on a theatrically-released movie based on the characters of Marvel Comics. It's all to commemorate the April 4th release of the next Marvel film adventure, Captain America: The Winter Soldier.

Today, Blade loses his edge in ...

The Daywalker returns yet again, cutting down vampire muthafuckas as usual. That is, until he's framed for killing a human, and now the police and the feds are closing in on his ass. Blade is captured, but he's soon rescued by Abigail (Jessica Biel), the daughter of his old buddy Whistler, and a cured vampire named Hannibal King (Ryan Reynolds). The new trio then team up to stop a group of bloodsuckers who have just resurrected the original vampire, Dracula (Dominic Purcell).

Blade: Trinity is one of the very few Marvel movies I had not seen before starting this series. Man, am I glad I skipped out on it when it was first released. This is Wesley Snipes's third go-around as the character of Blade, and he is visibly unenthused. I don't blame him, because, compared to the first two, this movie- bad pun intended- sucks. New Line Cinema decided to give the director reins to series writer, David Goyer, and he clearly had no interest in taking the franchise into any new directions. All Goyer did was retread the groundwork laid by Stephen Norrington and Guillermo del Toro in the other films. Expect he made things louder, flashier, and a whole lot dumber. It's really easy to see how awful a writer David Goyer is when he's left to his own devices. As a result, what was cool and badass in the other Blade movies is now unintentionally hilarious. Blade: Trinity sees the franchise descending into self-parody. What was once such a hip, innovative franchise suddenly found itself left behind by its imitators

You know what would have been a better third Blade? One that would've embraced the old-school horror of the comic that introduced the character, The Tomb of Dracula. I think that would have been the logical next step following the Eastern Europe atmosphere of Blade II. Think about it: Blade's trademark action set pieces mixed in with gothic castles, dungeons, full moons, fog, etc.? How about Rachel Van Helsing instead of a daughter Whistler somehow forgot to mention was a) still alive, and b) a vampire hunter? And how about a more traditional Dracula instead of a meatball? I can dream, can't I?

I'll still watch Blade: Trinity again if it comes on, though. The saving graces are the intentional comic relief provided by Ryan Reynolds and the fact that I can take it now as a self-parody. I'll take that over any of the serious-minded Blade rip-offs any day of the week. That's right, Underworld, I'm looking at you.

Blade: Trinity
2 out of 5 Cap shields

March Marvel Madness: SPIDER-MAN 2

Greetings, True Believers! Welcome to March Marvel Madness! Every day this month, I'll be looking back on a theatrically-released movie based on the characters of Marvel Comics. It's all to commemorate the April 4th release of the next Marvel film adventure, Captain America: The Winter Soldier.


He's back!

Tobey Maguire returns as your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man. He's also Peter Parker, and he's not having that swell a time. He's behind in school, can't hold down a job, is always late with rent, he's always worrying about his Aunt May, and he can't tell the girl of his dreams, Mary Jane (Kirsten Dunst returning), how he feels. As if things can't get any worse, his best friend, Harry (James Franco), has it out for his alter-ego. All of this effects his powers and wears on his soul, and Parker begins to wonder if being Spider-Man is worth it anymore. And on top of that, Peter's idol, Doctor Octavious (Alfred Molina), gets caught in a science experiment gone wrong, and emerges as New York's newest super-villian, Doctor Octopus.

Spider-Man 2 came out in the summer of 2004, and I- like everyone else- went nuts over it.  Seeing Doc Ock on the big screen was childhood wish-fulfillment realized, but Molina was also the perfect choice to play him. The returning cast all stepped up their game, the visual effects were astounding, and, man, did that last line have me cheering. Also, for me personally, it was great to see Sam Raimi make a Spider-Man film that looked more like one of his pictures. I was in agreement with the rest of the world that it was better than the first movie.

Ten years later, Spider-Man 2 still has me cheering. Much like the original film, it has remained timeless. It has every bit of the quality and heart, and is every bit a living, breathing comic book as the original. I still think this is one of the greatest Marvel movies, but for a different reason now. Looking at it today, this film really isn't a sequel at all. Whereas X2: X-Men United was a film that improved on its predecessor, Spider-Man 2 feels like the second half of one giant Spider-Man epic. I don't feel the need to rank one over the other.  Spider-Man and Spider-Man 2 should really be taken in as a whole, and as such, remains one of Marvel's greatest cinematic accomplishments.

Spider-Man 2
5 out of 5 Cap shields

March Marvel Madness: THE PUNISHER (2004)

Greetings, True Believers! Welcome to March Marvel Madness! Every day this month, I'll be looking back on a theatrically-released movie based on the characters of Marvel Comics. It's all to commemorate the April 4th release of the next Marvel film adventure, Captain America: The Winter Soldier.

Welcome back, Frank?

Produced by (then) Lions Gate Films, The Punisher (2004) stars Thomas Jane as Frank Castle, an FBI agent who's finished his last assignment and is ready to enjoy retirement with his family. However, the son of mobster Howard Saint (played by John Travolta) was killed during Frank's last job, and Saint orders a hit on him and his family in retaliation. Castle's whole clan is wiped out during a family reunion and he is left for dead. Frank recovers, though, and heads to Tampa to seek revenge on Saint. When he's not making Saint's life miserable, Castle is knocking back shots of Wild Turkey in a run-down apartment building occupied by three other tenants who try to provide moral support for the hard-as-stone, nothing-to-lose vigilante in the making.

Full disclosure: I've never followed an actual Punisher title. That maybe shocking to hear to some of you, given all the macho, muscle-bound action movies (including a straight-to-video Punisher movie starring Dolph Lundgren) that I grew up watching in the 80s. I've seen Frank make many an appearance in many other Marvel books, but I have yet to read any of the numerous series starring Marvel's iconic anti-hero (created by Gerry Conway, John Romita, and Ross Andru). That's going to change, but for right now, I can only judge the film as is.

Honestly, I was conflicted at the start of this retrospective. I liked the movie then, but was always unsure of its approach. On the one hand, first-time director Jonathan Hensleigh uses- I guess what he feels is- a more realistic take on the character. That's right, kids, origin story. We get to see Castle's journey from being an ordinary, law-abiding, family man to becoming an urban vigilante. There's a lot more becoming in this movie than there is punishing. At this point, the origin story has become a formula for every single comic book movie coming out. Not only was it was starting to feel all too familiar, but it also felt unnecessary for the character.

On the other hand, it's a little unfair to dismiss the movie now just because it is an origin story. It is still Hollywood's go-to formula for superhero movies. Get used to it. With that, The Punisher (2004) is an interesting experiment, because it is a more grounded approach. That's more likely the reason why Thomas Jane was chosen to play the title character. He's nothing like the macho standard used to draw Frank in the comics. Jane's an unassuming looking guy. It would make the Frank's arc more convincing. He may not be dishing out loads of punishment until the climax, but it's interesting to actually see the transformation.

The movie itself is an agreeable, if not entirely memorable, crime drama. What makes it stand out are the dirty touches that grace the sunny location (in this case, Tampa, Florida), the three apartment tenants (one of which played by X-Men alum, Rebecca Romijn), an Ennio Morricone-esque score by Carlo Siliotte, and John Travolta making one of his less-embarrassing post-Battlefield Earth appearances on film.

I know this version of The Punisher is not going to be for everyone. It's no secret Hensleigh was inspired by action films of the Seventies, and some might argue he should have gone more Dirty Harry with this movie and less Death Wish. However, you can't hold it against a film if it is trying to do something different and doesn't fall on its ass. We've seen plenty of comic book movies do that, but The Punisher '04 is surprisingly not one of them.

The Punisher (2004)
3 out of 5 Cap shields

March Marvel Madness: HULK

Greetings, True Believers! Welcome to March Marvel Madness! Every day this month, I'll be looking back on a theatrically-released movie based on the characters of Marvel Comics. It's all to commemorate the April 4th release of the next Marvel film adventure, Captain America: The Winter Soldier.

From Universal Pictures and the Oscar-winning director of Life of CGI- I mean Pi- comes the first film based on the comic book The Incredible Hulk. Oh boy, it's Ang Lee's...

Eric Bana plays Bruce, a brilliant but emotionally distant scientist who, along with fellow scientist and ex-girlfriend, Betty (Jennifer Connelly), blow up frogs with gamma radiation in an effort to cure... something. I don't know, I forgot. Anyways, Bruce gets caught in a blast of radiation and survives, but now, whenever he gets angry, he transforms into a giant, rampaging, badly computer-generated giant. A grizzly old fart named David Banner (Nick Nolte) appears, stalking Bruce, claiming to be his father. Speaking to his son in riddles, we can guess- really, we can only guess- Banner passed some kind of side effect of self-experimentation on to his boy that was then triggered by Bruce's accident. What? There's also Betty's general dad (Sam Elliot) who wants the Hulk for something (still not sure), and some douchebag (Josh Lucas) that also has an interest in Bruce, but also has an interest in getting into Betty's pants.

I was really let down by Hulk when I saw it in theaters the summer of 2003. I thought it was overly serious and lame. Looking at the film now, however, I can honestly saw- and I hate to quote an overused meme from the internet, but- WTF is this shit?! This is a joke, right? In hindsight, it might as well be. It was 2003, after all. I wouldn't be shocked if Ashton Kutcher jumped out at us coming out of the theater going, "You got Punk'd!"

This is not an adaptation of The Incredible Hulk. This is a trashing, because Universal and director Ang Lee didn't have faith in the comic book. They felt like the movie needed to transcend the source material. Don't let the comic book panel-style split-screens and editing fool you; Hulk is a film ashamed that it's based on a comic book. It's all so, so serious. Performance-wise, you've got mopey (Bana and Connelly) and crazy (Nolte, Elliot, and Lucas) and not much else. Nobody seems to be having any fun in this movie. There's no sense of entertainment value in the story, anyways. Lee is too concerned with trying to elevate the material. The Incredible Hulk is the Jeckyll and Hyde of the post-Atomic Age. He represents something base in us as human beings we all keep buried inside us, be it rage or anything else we don't want anyone to see. Ang Lee and co-writer James Schamus want to blame The Hulk on Daddy. Bullshit.

In addition, Lee succeeds in making the audience feel stupid for liking spectacle by making Industrial Light and Magic give us some of the worst visual effects ever for a tentpole movie. Hulk looks better in the poster than any time he's on screen in the movie! He looks like a 'roid-raging Shreck. Also, why is he almost as big as fucking King Kong halfway through the movie? The laugh-out-loud awfulness of the VFX next to the woe-as-me crap that make up the rest of the film is really jarring. I'm sure ILM were embarrassed by their work on Hulk. They were able to make Yoda fight just the year before! They should be embarrassed.

Not surprising the word "Incredible" was left out of the title of this movie, giving how bad it is, but Ang Lee should have left Hulk out of it, too. There's barely any resemblance to the characters of the comic in this movie. Instead, this picture is Ang Lee's criticism of us as American moviegoers. Congratulations, bub. You made us feel bad for watching a movie based on a comic book. I hope you're happy, you prick. I'm glad Crash won.

Hulk
1 out of 5 Cap Shields

March Marvel Madness: X2: X-MEN UNITED

Greetings, True Believers! Welcome to March Marvel Madness! Every day this month, I'll be looking back on a theatrically-released movie based on the characters of Marvel Comics. It's all to commemorate the April 4th release of the next Marvel film adventure, Captain America: The Winter Soldier.

Today, it's...

Picking up after the events of X-Men, X2 begins with a mutant attempting to assassinate the President of the United States, which prompts insane military leader, William Stryker (Brian Cox), to attack the X-Men mansion and kidnap Professor Charles Xavier (once again played by Patrick Stewart). The remaining X-Men, including Wolverine (Hugh Jackman), Storm (Halle Berry), Cyclops (James Marsden), and Jean Grey (Famke Janssen), form a reluctant alliance with their sworn enemy, Magneto (Ian McKellen), in an effort to rescue the beloved Professor and save mutant and human kind.

Remember when Bryan Singer said he was going "Wrath of Khan" on the sequel to his 2006 film Superman Returns? Well, we never did get to see that, but it didn't matter, because he already Empire Strikes Back'd the shit out of X-Men with X2! X-Men United is a textbook example of using what was great about the previous film to make a more inspired follow-up. Drawing inspiration from the 1982 graphic novel, God Loves, Man Kills, Singer expands on the previous film's themes of tolerance and understanding by raising the stakes in the story with the addition of a greater adversary. The enthusiasm Singer has for this film is evident in the exciting editing, stronger production design, and a greatly-improved musical score (by frequent collaborator, John Ottman).

The first X-Men brought together a- for the most part- remarkable group of actors who excelled at bringing these classic characters to life. Just like The Empire Strikes Back, X2's returning players got another chance to play, enhancing their already memorable performances while strengthening the unit. This movie even has it's own Lando Calrissian in the form of Alan Cummings's Nightcrawler. Not only a visually eye-popping character, but Cummings's turn as the fan-favorite mutant is nothing short of astonishing.

X2 does fall just a bit short of Empire perfection. Thank you, Halle Berry. As if your sub-par effort in the first movie wasn't bad enough, you completely gave up on Storm in this one. Probably because you were too busy kissing your Oscar for Monster's Ball between takes to really give a shit. Storm is a ground-breaking character in comics- and pop culture- and she deserves better.

Watching X2: X-Men United now is just as thrilling as it was when I first experienced it in theaters. Time- and a lazy movie star- has done absolutely nothing to diminish the what is not only Marvel's first great sequel, but also one of their finest big-screen achievements.

- JDO

X2: X-Men United
4 1/2 out of 5 Cap Shields