Today, ... Oh, it's you.
Tobey Maguire returns as Peter Parker and Spider-Man. Things are looking up for Mr. Parker: he has the girl of his dreams (Kirsten Dunst returning as Mary Jane), he's doing well in college, and Spidey is getting some respect from the city. But before you can say Heaven's Gate, Peter's bliss- as well as that of the audience- gets squashed like a bug pretty fucking quick. First, there's Harry Osbourn (James Franco), who's transformed himself into a snowboarder version of his father's persona, the Green Goblin. What? On top of that, Mary Jane's career is not going great and, for some reason, takes it out on Peter. What? Plus, there's this delusional dork (Topher Grace) gunning for Peter's job at the newspaper. Is there more? Yup, there's more. There's this two-bit low-life (played by Thomas Haden Church) on the run from the cops, who stumbles into a radioactive testing area and merges with the sand, giving him shape-shifting abilities. Cool, it's The Sandman. Oh, and did I mention he's the one who killed Uncle Ben? What?! Are you kidding me?! Oh yeah, and this alien goo pops out of nowhere and clings to Pete's Spidey costume, turning it black and turning Peter into a sniveling, ill-tempered little troll.
Was that painful to read? Well, that's nothing compared to actually watching Spider-Man 3. This movie is such an unexpected and unforgivable disaster. The free-fall in quality from the last film to this was so depressing I cried. Hell, everyone else in this movie did. Why should I be left out? Director Sam Raimi is to blame for this. Raimi just didn't give a web-slinging fuck anymore, and boy is it obvious.
This isn't a Spider-Man movie. At all. All the joy, optimism, and imagination that made the previous films the classics they are is gone. Instead, we get a bunch of subplots straight out of soap operas carelessly spun together. There is so much drama, dished out at a plodding pace, you almost forget you're watching a Spider-Man movie. Thanks to that, none of characters resemble who they were in the last two movies. Mary Jane, for example, became really self-centered all of a sudden. Another example is J. Jonah Jameson (J.K. Simmons), who's hyperactivity has to be reined in. Hm, is Jameson supposed to represent you, Sam?
The most obvious example is, of course, Peter. I'm not just referring to the embarrassing jerk turn he pulls because of the black costume. Peter Parker in the films stopped being the wise-cracking comic book version by the time we get to Spider-Man 3. One of Pete's best trademark qualities is his ability to always keep his sense of humor no matter how rough things got. We don't see that anymore. Sam Raimi turned Peter Parker into a sad little puppy, and Maguire's performance doesn't help. It makes you want to slap the guy, even when he's trying to save a pretty girls from falling debris.
Spider-Man 3 is the most painful superhero film I ever had to experience. This is one movie I did not revisit for this assignment. I absolutely refuse. Okay, so you didn't want Venom to be in your movie. Boo-fucking-hoo, Sam! It's one thing to make things more complicated for your hero. It's another to be completely disinterested in what you are doing, be shameless about it, and still expect us to be entertained. If you don't have any consideration for your audience at all, then your movie doesn't deserve Cap shields at all.
Spider-Man 3
0 out of 5 Cap shields
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